Monday 31 March 2008

Not so Low Carb - The Joy Of Porridge

Well I have made a new discovery and that is porridge. Not that I haven't eaten it in the past, but now it feels like a real find and I am loving it.

I have been on this restricted calorie programme (1200 calories a day) since 3rd of March and great news, it has helped me blast through my weight plateau and I have lost 4.6 kgs over the past four weeks! But one of the downsides is that I have been feeling quite tired, especially at the gym. Getting through my cardio and weight workouts has been somewhat of a struggle. I guess because of the limited calories and the fact that I don't or didn't eat any complex carbohydrates. So, I decided, why not try porridge for breakfast and see if, like other carbs, it adversely affects my weight loss. I know oats are low GI and therefore slow release energy, they are good for lowering cholesterol, keeping blood pressure normal and for fibre. So there is a lot going for them. Anyway, I have had porridge for breakfast the last 3 days and not only has it tasted great and filled me up, but it has not stopped my weight loss and it has given me energy to take me right through to lunch time. So I think this is a keeper, at least for the time being anyway.

And, on this food thread, the other thing I discovered for myself as a sweet treat, is steamed apple with raisins and cinnamon, served with low fat natural yoghurt. It tastes sweet and delicious, a bit like apple crumble (without the crumble), and it really fills those sweet cravings when you could just eat a pudding or icecream or chocolate. Plus it is incredibly low in calories. I guess this low calorie thing has made me more creative when it comes to food, it makes me think harder about what I can and can't eat and a lot of the time I really enjoy it.

I don't see myself as being on a diet, I see this as a new and healthier way of eating full stop. I will increase my calories back up to about 1500 at some point, but beyond that I am not going to go back to a high carb diet ever. I am going to keep on with this even after I get to my goal weight because for me it is healthy and good and I have learnt to enjoy it. And that feels great.

LMN

Thursday 27 March 2008

Another Day on the Treadmill

Just another day. Not on the actual treadmill because I haven't been using it much, but the treadmill that is one day after the next. Not a lot to report today actually. The highlight was my two flat whites (coffees for those not from Oz). Normally I have one a day as a treat because it does eat into the 1200 calories a day that I am currently limited to, all that milk. But today, I got up late so missed breakfast and therefore found myself with extra calories left over. And so I had a second one and it was great! You still have to have treats, even when calorie counting and coffee is a definite must in my life. Probably sounds pathetic to be so thrilled about 2 coffees in a day, but there you go... thats what does it for me currently.

Tomorrow night I am meeting up with some old work mates at a bar in town which should be fun. But I am going to abstain from drinking as that really is the stairway to calorie and weight gain hell for me. I would rather have no drinks than one drink, because once I have the taste for it - a cocktail or a nice glass of wine, it will be damn hard to stop at one. Especially when everyone else is doing rounds. And then after a few drinks suddenly the desire to eat wedges and mayo, hot chips or some other kind of fried or fatty food will be too difficult to resist... So abstain I will. I am quite used to it these days actually so it shouldnt be too bad. And then I find on the odd occasion when I plan a big night out (and work extra hard at the gym), it doesn't take many drinks before I am a bit squiffy so the damage isn't as bad as it once was when I had more resistance.

Ah well, enough of this. Not a lot to report so I will wait until I do.

Night.

little miss normal

Wednesday 26 March 2008

Accepting Me For Who I Am

As I was lying in bed last night trying to get to sleep I started thinking about this whole weight loss thing and how ever since I have had a weight problem - going on most of my life since I was about 7 or 8 - I have always wanted people to accept me for who I am.

I used to think, 'well if they don't accept me as me' (fat and all) then that is their loss... they are superficial and not worth knowing or having in my life. Whilst in terms of relationships, I felt that whoever I ended up with would truly love me for who I am and would see me as beautiful. And the thing is, I did find someone who totally loved me (and was terrific) and he saw me as beautiful and attractive even at my biggest. But that didn't matter, because I didn't love ME the way I was. I didn't accept myself. And what I now realise is, if I can't accept myself as a fat person, why should I expect other people to? Plus, more importantly, even if they do (and many people did), that isn't going to change how I fundamentally feel about me.

My loving partner used to tell me all the time how pretty I was, how beautiful and attractive. And he meant it. But half the time I didn't hear it and the rest of the time I didn't believe it. I just felt he was trying to be nice which frustrated the hell out of him. So I suppose what I am trying to say is, that this journey is about me coming to terms with who I am and learning to love myself inside and out. It doesn't matter what other people say or think, ultimately I need to feel comfortable and happy with my body as well as with who I am as a person. Sounds deep I know but it is the truth. I am sure I will touch on this topic many times in my blog because it is a big issue in my journey towards becoming (and most importantly) feeling normal.

I met a friend for coffee today and she commented on my latest weight loss which made me feel good. And because we are close, I discussed a little of this with her. She was suprised that I didn't feel that I am normal yet (in terms of size), because to her I am. But she understood that it is about me coming to terms with my body and my size and loving myself at the size I am. I know that it is not just a case of getting on the scales one day and reaching my goal weight and then suddenly everything will fall into place and I will feel normal and accepting of my body and myself as a person. It is a much more complicated and difficult journey than that, and that is partly why I think so many people fail (me in the past included). Because as they get closer to where they thought they wanted to be they start to realise that the weight isnt the be all and end all. That they won't suddenly love everything about themselves and their lives when they get to that magical number on the scales - or they don't realise it until they get there and then they are so disappointed or disillusioned that weight loss hasn't been the ultimate solution to everything that they pile the weight back on.

So this time around, I am not under that illusion. I know that to like my body I needed to lose weight, and to love my body, I need to lose a bit more - although I am starting to develop an appreciation of it in a way I never could before. But beyond that, I have also been working on understanding myself as a person, recognising my insecurities and my vulnerabilities and trying to work through them. Because the weight is one factor in feeling bad about myself (and it has been a big one!!!) but it isn't or hasn't been the only one. Ultimately, like most of us I guess, I want to get to a point of feeling pretty good about myself most of the time. I am much further along that path then I was when I started, over half way I would say, but there is still some distance to go. The main thing though is that it is moving in the right direction. A little more each day.

Little Miss Normal

Tuesday 25 March 2008

Under 13 Stone!

So today I hopped on the scales and I am 82 Kgs and that means under 13 stone!!! I am so happy, the smile that appeared on my face just doesn't want to disappear.

Now I know to a lot of people, 13 stone sounds like a lot of weight, especially if we take into account that I am only 1 metre 56 centrimetres tall - or about 5 foot, 1 and a half. But to me, this is a triumph and a turning point! I have really been looking forward to this day. Because my final goal weight is 65 kgs, or under 10 and a half stone (10 stone, 3 pounds something). So to be under 13 stone means that I have less than 3 stone left to lose until I get there. Actually, I have 2 stone, 9 and a half pounds to go.That feels achievable and like it is not too far away... So I say, bring it on.

Up until recently I was quite resistant to tell people what my goal weight was. I think because I thought they would laugh at me or tell me it wasn't possible or that I was being unrealistic. And you know what, part of me felt that too. If I did mention it I would say, I want to get to under 11 stone if it is possible. I always added 'if it is possible' on the end to cover myself because I secretly doubted that it was possible. So I was recently at the gym talking to this trainer, an Australian guy (so I can relate being Aussie myself), and in his typical matter of fact way he delivered a profound message to me. We were discussing my weight loss, or lack of due to the plateau I had been experiencing. I told him how much weight I had already lost but that I wasn't ready to stop losing, that ideally, I wanted to get under 11 stone (65 kgs to be exact 'if it is possible'). And he turned to me and said, 'anything's possible. Whatever you set your mind to you can achieve'. I felt like I had been hit by a brick. It was the first time I had ever told someone my goal and been met with that reaction. He didn't doubt I could achieve it, didn't think it was even out of the ordinary. He just said, if you want it, you can get there. And that is when I realised, I can. Stop thinking I might get there, start reinforcing that I will get there. Because a big part of feeling and being normal, is accepting that I can be like everyone else. And ultimately, that is what I long for, hence my name - Little Miss Normal.

But anyway, back to todays triumph and that magical 82 kgs appearing on the scales. This has motivated me to drag myself to the gym later, after having some lunch, despite feeling low in energy and at that time of the month that I am achey and sore. But I know it will make me feel better anyway, exercise always does. Plus, today is my day to do weights with cardio. I never thought I would enjoy weight resistance training, but you know what, as Diet Girl has mentioned in her blog, it really is fantastic. It makes you feel good, strong and healthy, and it really gives results. I only started doing it at the beginning of the year, but I am really loving it. And I have been finding myself even becoming converted (slowly) to the exercise bike. My most loathed piece of exercise equipment because of the boredom, the sore butt and the fact that as a teenager I had one and used to ride on it endlessly to lose weight but to no avail... However, this time, in the gym (with the varying intensity) I am finding that the trainer is right - it is a good form of cardio, it really works my legs like nothing else and I even manage to build up a sweat despite being pretty fit these days. So the bike has become part of my routine. Like with everything else in life, this weight loss journey has been opening me up to new things, forcing me to try things I wouldn't normally try and along the way I have taken on board many of them, incorporating them into my life because they are good for me and/or I enjoy them - ideally both.
Ok, well time for lunch and then later on the gym.

Little Miss Normal (feeling decidedly more normal today)

Monday 24 March 2008

1200 Calories a Day

So I am down to 1200 calories a day which is not the easiest thing in the world, but it is working. For a long time I was eating 1500 calories a day, low carb, high protein (but low fat), and exercising daily and losing weight. But then at the start of this year my weight plateaued, and plateaued and plateaued...

Despite going to the gym every day for an hour - doing cardio and weight resistance training - as well as sticking to my 1500 calories, writing everything in a food diary and avoiding pretty much all carbs, I still couldn't lose a jot of weight. So what was I to do? I had lost over 5 stone, but I didn't want to stop there as it still felt a way off being normal, at least to me.

Therefore, after discussing things with a trainer at the gym I embarked on a 1200 calorie a day diet. This involves a lot of discipline and commitment. Every little thing down to a spoonful of dried herbs has to be calculated calorie wise to ensure I don't go over. Mostly I don't feel hungry because I choose my meals wisely to ensure I can fill up. Which means I eat a lot of salad, soup and the like. But occasionally, like right now I do feel a need (well desire) to eat loads, preferably sweet or heavy things - chocolate, bread, pasta all spring to mind, especially at Easter and when it is cold. Snow in London in April?! But I am not giving in to the temptation of the sweets and carbs. I am resisting, because my desire to be a normal weight and to look after myself and my health is a lot stronger (and thank goodness for that).

The only treat I did give myself was 2 hot cross buns with butter on Good Friday (yes butter! first time in months). This left me with very few calories that day but it was so worth it because I enjoyed every morsel and I had been looking forward to them for weeks. Small things can give the biggest pleasures! But that was it and I did work extra hard and a bit longer at the gym that day.

Overall though, I am not often tempted to stray because the 1200 calorie diet along with my daily gym workouts has got things working again. Since the 3rd of March I have lost over 3 kgs and my end goal is really starting to feel within reach. Soon I will have less than 3 stone left to lose and that feels so achievable when I think about where I have come from. Plus I love the sense of achievement. I really enjoy stepping on the scales and seeing a change. Even when it is only slight. I realise this is a slight form of addiction in itself but fortunately I have learnt not to beat myself up when the weight doesn't shift, providing I have been doing everything I should be doing. I guess I just feel empowered as I see my weight getting closer and closer to normal. It is the one area of my life that I felt I could not control and now I am finally taking charge and it is working. It makes me feel that if I can get there with my weight, anything is possible. And that is an amazing feeling. So every day as I inch closer to the end goal, I am filled with more hope and more positivity for the future.

Little Miss Normal

Letting Her Go is Harder Than I Thought

I think what I most want to be is normal. Just someone who doesn't stand out for being fat or thin. To me normality is when I will feel I have succeeded. But how will I know when I have got there?

After losing close to 6 stone so far (in less than 18 months), I don't know if people actually see me as fat anymore. I am definitely not thin yet, but getting a lot closer to normal. Some people close to me tell me that I am normal now. I am a size 16 these days so in that sense I suppose I could say I am. I can shop in pretty much every store. I don't feel that people are constantly looking at me or commenting negatively to each other, or thinking 'god she's huge, how did she get so big' or perhaps 'what a lazy cow!' Not that they necessarily were before either, but I felt like they were... I felt so insecure and so ashamed of who I was and how I looked. I hated how I was and although in one sense I totally identified with it (with the fat), and it consumed me, making me feel terrible and useless, worthless all the time... in another sense, I knew that person wasn't the real me. I felt that the real me was somewhere in there, hidden under the layers of fat, insecurity, pain, hurt and self loathing. A normal, pretty girl who wanted the chance to be happy, free and uninhibited. A girl who would blend in with the crowd and if she was noticed, it would be positively rather than negatively.

I feel like that girl is starting to emerge now, bit by bit. I have about another 2 and a half to 3 stone left to lose so she feels like she is in reach compared with where I started from. But as the weight has come off I have realised that saying farewell to the fat girl isn't just about losing the weight. Although I hated the fact that i felt my identity was simply as 'the fat girl' in other people's eyes, I have lived with her for so long that she has been my identity too. And although I want to let her go, it isn't quite as easy as all that.


Allowing my other self to emerge, who I consider my real self, is a challenging and quite frightening thing. Not least because she hasn't been presented to the world before and I haven't really had much practice in being her. In fact, it is a learning process, getting to know myself away from my fat identity. And although I don't want to be fat anymore, I long to be normal... I also know there is some security in the fat identity. Where I have felt rejected or treated badly or not good enough etc in the past, I suppose I have blamed that on the fat, or people seeing me as a fat person and nothing else. When the fat is gone and the 'real me' is exposed to the world, I know that will be quite scary and put me in a vulnerable place. I won't have the fat identity to blame things on anymore. If someone doesn't like me, the way I look or who I am, then they will in effect be rejecting the real me. That does scare me because I am still trying to build my self confidence and I do often wonder how likeable and attractive I am, or will be, fat or thin. But I am working on that.

And in a way, I guess letting go of my fat self is a bit like letting go of a friend I have grown up with and shared a lot with during my life to this point, but we don't have so much in common anymore and actually in some ways she is dragging me down and holding me back, so I know I really need to let her go and move on. Difficult but true. So I am doing it in stages, little by little I am letting her go. I am getting there but part of that process is realising and admitting to myself that it harder than I thought it would be. I can't just rip the bandage off, I need to peel it away a tiny bit at a time.

Thats it for now.

Till next time,

Little Miss Normal (a little more every day)