Accepting Me For Who I Am

As I was lying in bed last night trying to get to sleep I started thinking about this whole weight loss thing and how ever since I have had a weight problem - going on most of my life since I was about 7 or 8 - I have always wanted people to accept me for who I am.

I used to think, 'well if they don't accept me as me' (fat and all) then that is their loss... they are superficial and not worth knowing or having in my life. Whilst in terms of relationships, I felt that whoever I ended up with would truly love me for who I am and would see me as beautiful. And the thing is, I did find someone who totally loved me (and was terrific) and he saw me as beautiful and attractive even at my biggest. But that didn't matter, because I didn't love ME the way I was. I didn't accept myself. And what I now realise is, if I can't accept myself as a fat person, why should I expect other people to? Plus, more importantly, even if they do (and many people did), that isn't going to change how I fundamentally feel about me.

My loving partner used to tell me all the time how pretty I was, how beautiful and attractive. And he meant it. But half the time I didn't hear it and the rest of the time I didn't believe it. I just felt he was trying to be nice which frustrated the hell out of him. So I suppose what I am trying to say is, that this journey is about me coming to terms with who I am and learning to love myself inside and out. It doesn't matter what other people say or think, ultimately I need to feel comfortable and happy with my body as well as with who I am as a person. Sounds deep I know but it is the truth. I am sure I will touch on this topic many times in my blog because it is a big issue in my journey towards becoming (and most importantly) feeling normal.

I met a friend for coffee today and she commented on my latest weight loss which made me feel good. And because we are close, I discussed a little of this with her. She was suprised that I didn't feel that I am normal yet (in terms of size), because to her I am. But she understood that it is about me coming to terms with my body and my size and loving myself at the size I am. I know that it is not just a case of getting on the scales one day and reaching my goal weight and then suddenly everything will fall into place and I will feel normal and accepting of my body and myself as a person. It is a much more complicated and difficult journey than that, and that is partly why I think so many people fail (me in the past included). Because as they get closer to where they thought they wanted to be they start to realise that the weight isnt the be all and end all. That they won't suddenly love everything about themselves and their lives when they get to that magical number on the scales - or they don't realise it until they get there and then they are so disappointed or disillusioned that weight loss hasn't been the ultimate solution to everything that they pile the weight back on.

So this time around, I am not under that illusion. I know that to like my body I needed to lose weight, and to love my body, I need to lose a bit more - although I am starting to develop an appreciation of it in a way I never could before. But beyond that, I have also been working on understanding myself as a person, recognising my insecurities and my vulnerabilities and trying to work through them. Because the weight is one factor in feeling bad about myself (and it has been a big one!!!) but it isn't or hasn't been the only one. Ultimately, like most of us I guess, I want to get to a point of feeling pretty good about myself most of the time. I am much further along that path then I was when I started, over half way I would say, but there is still some distance to go. The main thing though is that it is moving in the right direction. A little more each day.

Little Miss Normal