Fat Defined Me

Today I was thinking about what the fat persona I have lived with all these years has meant. I realised that because I was fat for so much of my life, the fat persona was essentially who I had become - the fat defined me. I saw myself as fat and felt (rightly or wrongly) that everyone else saw me as fat. And that was the main thing that I felt people associated with me, because it played such a pervading role in my life. So I guess the fat defined me in a negative sense. And it contributed in a big way to me disliking myself and feeling that I was worthless - although it wasn't the reason for that, I think that came before and that is something I am working on whilst losing the weight because I realise weight loss isn't a magical cure all in that sense.

And, since I have been on this journey to become a normal weight I guess what has defined me is this challenge. My losing weight has become what defines me and I relish it. I feed off it. As I see the weight disappear I feel that I am clawing back a bit more control, I am becoming more empowered and freer. Opportunities are opening themselves up and I have hope for the future and for what I can achieve in other areas of my life. Losing the weight and realising I can be normal has made me start to feel that anything is possible. I feel that once I conquer this I can conquer anything.

However, realising that what has been defining me and my life over the past 16 months has been my weight loss is also quite scary. I defined myself before as a fat person, now I define myself as someone who is losing weight and achieving a goal, but what will that leave me with once I get there? I have known weight issues for nearly my whole life, what will it be like not to worry about weight anymore? Who will I be then? Without the weight and without the weight loss goals and achievements, who am and how will I be defined? I guess, or I am hoping, that I will then be defined as 'normal' but what does that actually mean? I don't know, I just know that I never felt normal before and it is what I have longed to be. So this is a transitional phase, a journey of discovery. I need to learn who I am aside from weight and weight loss. I need to work out what normal means to me, so I know it when I get there. One thing I do know is that (although they definitely help), normal is far more than just a number on the scales or a dress size.

little miss normal